Purpose Driven Motherhood

I really, truly loathe methotrexate.... After the second round, I started to experience some nasty side effects...Last night I ended up at the ER...My hands and legs were going numb, my bones ached, and I was having dizzy spells where I would pass out...NOT cool...They ran a ton of tests and all was well, they said it was probably just a bad reaction to the metho...Lovely..Like I needed more crap to deal with...My HCG still was not going down as of last night either...=/ I am so sick of this craziness....

If there is one thing I have learned over the course of my life, is that no matter how bad things are, or how dark and dismal things seem... God can turn them into something beautiful...I am believing for something beautiful to emerge from this journey of pain...

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

I had a couple good days...Then, some hard ones...I hate that I cannot count on how I will feel from one day to the next, or one moment to the next even...I hate how little things will trigger such a deep pain in my heart, it feels as though I might just pass out...Then, some moments I am totally "fine" and motivated, feeling good...Laughing with with kids etc...Like there is not a care in the world...Followed by, just a few short hours later, dealing with depression, and sadness that I cannot describe, as I feel the weight of the last 2 and a half years...And the weight of never being able to carry and birth another live baby again....That just crushes my soul. I never  realized before walking through all of this, how lucky I was, and awesome that  experience really was...God I would give anything to do it again, and have a baby in my arms at the end...::sigh:: I thought for a couple days I was "ok" with having to move on, but I am clearly not...I am having a m

Sometimes all we have to hold on to Is what we know is true of who You are So when the heartache hits like a hurricane That could never change who You are And we trust in who You are Even if the healing doesn't come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn't come [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/kutless-even-if-lyrics.html ] Lord we know your ways are not our ways So we set our faith in who You are Even though You reign high above us You tenderly love us We know Your heart And we rest in who You are You're still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You're working all things for our good We'll sing your praise You are God and we will bless You As the Good and Faithful One You are God and we will bless You Even if the healing doesn't come Even if the healing doesn't come 

Went for another beta...HCG is down to 33...I was hoping it would be neg already, but nope... I have to go back in a week for a redraw. Hopefully by THEN, I am at 0...I just want to finally move on from this darn nonsense =/

Finally, things are starting to resolve...HCG is going down...Was at 52 this morning (Had my draw done at 7 am when the lab opened). Just got the call from my nurse, while I was checking the portal. I will go back wed for another draw. Feeling a bit relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this...I really want to get back to "normal". Well, a new normal anyway... I think the zoloft is kicking in a bit... DH said he can tell a "difference"...AKA- I am not a raging, crying, hormonal jerk...LOL..I guess that is good. I feel a little numb, but I guess that is the point? At least I am able to motivate myself to do the housework and what not...Now, to get myself motivated to eat better and exercise...Going to give myself another week or so before I tackle that...I would like to be officially, "not pregnant", and recovered a little more, before I start to go all crazy with myself...

“Grief is like sinking, like being buried. I am in water the tawny color of kicked-up dirt. Every breath is full of choking. There is nothing to hold on to, no sides, no way to claw myself up. There is nothing to do but let go. Let go. Feel the weight all around you, feel the squeezing of your lungs, the slow, low pressure. Let yourself go deeper. There is nothing but bottom. There is nothing but the taste of metal, and the echoes of old things, and days that look like darkness.” 

   In the midst of all of this grief and bad news and what not, I have been left feeling  a bit isolated and lost and with nowhere to really go for support online, without pregnancy or TTC chatter- As much as I LOVE the women in these groups, (and I created a few groups, both on FB and BBC so I have really come to know some of the women well, and really consider them friends), it KILLs me, each time I skim the posts, to know that part of our journey is over, and didn't end the way it should normally end...With a baby in our arms... I just needed a place to go that I could vent and have other's undertsnad the pain of having to really move on from this part of life, and the dreams of what we imagined our family being... Don't get me wrong, I am sooo happy for those that get to keep trying with every hope of a baby, I would give anything for that, and would never wish anyone to be in this situation. And, I am so happy for those that have tried and have finally gotten their

I messaged Dr. B with the results of today's beta, and told him I got the metho inject etc. He said it was a good choice,  and to let him know how things go with it resolving...I replied, and thanked him for his concern etc and then asked what our chances of ever carrying to term were without treatments, This was his response in not so many words....He said we should not TTC without IVF and immune treatments - The chances of ever carrying to term without meds is extremely low,  as in zero. He would not consider letting me do an immune cycle without IVF for risk of another ectopic since I have had 3 now ...So  even IF we managed to ever get enough money to cycle with immune meds, ( which was already out of reach financially) we will never have enough for IVF and he won't let me cycle unless I do IVF ...So we are done, done.... Words cannot express how much more this made today suck.... =(

Went in for my beta today- it went up but not appropriately again, and that combined  with the mass they saw on ultrasound they decided to give me the methotrexate inject. I got one shot in each hip ( it is measured out by weight when administered- my fat ass needed more meds than one inject could hold), and some pain meds, and was on my way.... \While on my way home,  I was in the middle of crying and being depressed because I just killed my baby, that probably would have stuck had it not been in my damn tube, I forgot to put on my blue tooth while talking to DH, in my emotional state...Of course, I drive RIGHT by a sheriff, who proceeds to pull me over and give me a ticket even after I told him the circumstances.... Feeling so empty and crushed today.... =(

Not to sink into a deep, dark depression....I just know that is where I am headed if I don't act fast...It has been YEARS since I have been in in a state like this...I hate it...I really hate it... Yesterday, while sitting in the RE office, bawling my eyes out, so frustrated and heartbroken, I realized... I am just not going to be "ok" for a while, and that is okay...However, I was brought back to the thought of driving off the side of the road on the way  to the DR's office that morning, it seemed almost tempting, and at that moment, I knew I needed to ask for some help...I was not being rational...I was not coping on my own very well.... I asked for some info on counseling (specifically for infertility grief)  and they gave me a RX for some Zoloft, to help take the edge off for the next few months...I normally would NOT take meds... I endured loss after loss after loss for the last 2+  years and didn't take anything to cope, because I didn't want to be

HCG was 121 (doubling time of 75 hours) progesterone less than 1...Ultrasound this morning, showed a "possible mass" on tube, but it was too small/early to really tell exactly what "it" was...But there was nothing that would indicate a viable pregnancy in the uterus as the lining is thin and nothing could even stick in there...RE wants me to do one more beta draw on wed- and if they have not dropped on their own I will get the metho shot that morning....Ugh- I am so frustrated~!!!! I just want this to be OVER!!!! ::cry:::

I have had a pretty rough day today- Really starting to hit me we wont ever have a rainbow baby again...I am starting to pack away my maternity, and baby stuff....Decided to throw out the vision board out in the rain too...Just seemed fitting...

OK so today's beta was 78- Braverman called me personally with the results, even though they said they wouldn't be managing me anymore, he is willing to help me along side  my RE to manage this all to the end whatever it may be, which is nice, I guess.....I did stop the neupogen though as I don't have any left- I am not wasting it on this pregnancy and if by some miracle is sticks then well it does.......anyway... He said that I should be ok in term of rupture since the HCG is so low IF it is ectopic- But he said because the numbers have consistently doubled appropriately, (DT of 27 hours last two draws) they cannot discount it being a uterine pregnancy either, despite passing all sorts of "stuff" yesterday and heavy bleeding...He said he has seen a healthy baby result from a situation almost identical to mine- so there is a slim chance- he said the probability of it being viable is small, but things can happen- I am not convinced with my progesterone being le