Man, all of this stuff is soooo emotional...I keep flip flopping...
One minute, I am OKAY and ready to go full force into cycling with Braverman, feeling like it is going to be GREAT, and we will walk out on the other side with a much loved and wanted baby...The next, I am scared to death, and feeling soooo nervous about it all...What if it doesn't work, and we spend 5 grand a cycle on NOTHING!??......We just don't have thousands sitting around to blow on something that may or may not even work!! I hate that we are even "here"...I hate that the last two years were all in vain...Nothing I did or could have done would have even helped...All the meds, supps, DR's, tests etc...Just to end up here at the "worst case scenario situation" anyway...The one thing I hoped and prayed was NOT our issue, when I was researching reasons for losses back, 2 years ago after my 2nd loss in a row...Of course, that HAD to be what we are dealing with...UGH!!.....And no one can guarantee that our ONLY shot with these controversial meds will work either...At least with IVF you get a pretty good chance of walking away with a baby, or at least a few more frosties to transfer later...This stuff is just a crap shoot, and could take 3 cycles just to find the "right combo" and even THEN you still have a risk of M/C'ing - especially with our HLA restricting issues...God, I just don't know if I can handle this...I don't know If I am strong enough to walk down this road...I am afraid, if it doesnt work, I wont ever get past all this hurt...Some how, I need to over come the fear...
One minute, I am OKAY and ready to go full force into cycling with Braverman, feeling like it is going to be GREAT, and we will walk out on the other side with a much loved and wanted baby...The next, I am scared to death, and feeling soooo nervous about it all...What if it doesn't work, and we spend 5 grand a cycle on NOTHING!??......We just don't have thousands sitting around to blow on something that may or may not even work!! I hate that we are even "here"...I hate that the last two years were all in vain...Nothing I did or could have done would have even helped...All the meds, supps, DR's, tests etc...Just to end up here at the "worst case scenario situation" anyway...The one thing I hoped and prayed was NOT our issue, when I was researching reasons for losses back, 2 years ago after my 2nd loss in a row...Of course, that HAD to be what we are dealing with...UGH!!.....And no one can guarantee that our ONLY shot with these controversial meds will work either...At least with IVF you get a pretty good chance of walking away with a baby, or at least a few more frosties to transfer later...This stuff is just a crap shoot, and could take 3 cycles just to find the "right combo" and even THEN you still have a risk of M/C'ing - especially with our HLA restricting issues...God, I just don't know if I can handle this...I don't know If I am strong enough to walk down this road...I am afraid, if it doesnt work, I wont ever get past all this hurt...Some how, I need to over come the fear...
I just found your blog through Emily. So glad I did. I remember being in the same place as you with fear. It is such a hard thing to overcome. My heart goes out to you. I hope the right path for you becomes clear. I'll be cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteDitto! Glad to find another buddy to follow on this LONG journey...<3
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