Purpose Driven Motherhood

So, I know I said I was going to lose weight, and get back on my diet, and start exercising....And when I said that, I really meant it...I still do...But, it has been harder than I imagined to get motivated enough to stick with it....Or even get started for that matter.... I cannot seem to muster the strength to get dressed and leave the house, let alone, diet, exercise, and do a cleanse, and start my herbs...I know I should just DO IT...But I can't.... See, part of me feels like, If I do all these things, I have a better chance at a take home baby...But, Then the other side of me feels like, if I do all these things, and it does not make a difference, and we continue to have loss after loss, then I will have come up with yet, another "plan" and it will have failed yet again...I don't know If I can deal with that... To top it off- I feel like I am slinking into depression mode...Where I just don't want to do anything but sleep, eat and watch TV/play on the ...

I got the call this morning, my HCG is neg finally, and now I just wait for a new cycle to start. After AF, I will go in for a second HSG ( had one in July 2011) To take a look at my tubes, and see what is going on in there. I hope and PRAY they are both open and clear, and the ectopics did not damage anything and we are in the clear to TTC again. We wont be using any meds, except for Lovenox in the TWW- and Progesterone after a BFP. I am done taking all that JUNK. I will be doing some of the natural/herbal things I talked about in a previous entry, and hoping for the best. I was told to wait 1 to 2 cycles after the metho shot before we TTC again, so for now, we will use the dreaded condoms, and grin and bare it till we are in the clear again. I am glad to be on the other side of this ectopic, and looking forward to trying for a fall 2013 baby...

To write......  A BOOK!   I have thought about it for a LONG time now, and have even had a few other people mention to me, that I should write a book about my experience with recurrent pregnancy loss. One of those people happens to be a good friend of mine, who is also a publisher.... At first, I thought, "how silly". I am NOT a professional writer, and I just could not imagine being able to produce something worth reading  in regards to this journey. I feel like I mostly just whine and complain about things on this blog.....Who want to read that!? But then I thought of all the things I have experienced, and the things I have learned about my body and inner self and the medical community.....Then I started thinking about it...I would LOVE to find a book that covers  the tremendous emotional, physical and spiritual strife that comes along with with the territory of RPL. It is such a misunderstood condition by both the patient an...

So I decided to give myself some goals and things to focus on while I recover from this last loss/ectopic. I will have to wait at least 3 months before we can try again, and let the effects of the methotrexate leave my body, and build up my folic acid levels again.  My plan: I am going to go back to my sugar/gluten free/semi paleo diet. I am going to cut out all caffeine (slowly over the next month) And, also starting working out 5 times a week or more. I plan to use a workout series such as Insanity or P90x. My goal is to lose 30- 50 lbs in the next 6 months. I also plan to start taking my old holistic remedies, like maca, red raspberry leaf and red clover, as  a fertility tonic. I plan to add in doing my castor oil packs, 5x a week consecutively, with two days rest. I also decided to really give taking serrapeptase a try. For those who do not know what serrapeptase is, I will give you a little run down on this nifty little enzyme. Discovered in the early 1970’s, th...

I am leaving in a few minutes to head down to the RE office for my Methotrexate Injection. I am so crushed. Not only because this pregnancy did not work out, but because I have to sit out even longer now due to the side effects of the methotrexate... It really is HELL. For those who are unfamiliar with methotrexate, and what it does and it's side effects- here is a little info- Methotrexate is typically given by injection. Two injection sites are sometimes used to administer one dose. This method increases absorption of all of the medicine. How It Works Methotrexate stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as  embryonic ,  fetal , and early  placenta  cells. Methotrexate  treatment can be given as a single shot or as several injections. If an ectopic pregnancy continues after 2 or 3 doses of methotrexate, surgical treatment is needed to remove the ectopic  pregnancy . During the week that you have methotrexate injections, your...

Ectopic. Yup...Freaking great.... Went for my beta this morning, early at like 7 am, so I could have results earlier. Anyway. HCG went up from 37 (sunday's results) to only 47- for today. Progesterone was still super low at 0.75 They called me and set me up for a appt tomorrow morning to have a round of methotrexate administered. That means....12  weeks off from TTC again, and maybe even longer, depending on when  or if they go in laproscopically to get a better look at why I had back to back ectopics... =( I am having a hard time digesting this all, even though I knew it was ectopic days ago...It still kills me to have it confirmed and have to go through metho HELL again. I cannot believe this is happening! WHY, WHY, WHY??! sorry if my posts spew of negativity over the next couple of weeks...I am having a hard time finding some optimism after all of this...

RE office called, they want me to go for one more beta tomorrow. Just to see where the numbers are. Then we will make a game plan. I am so exhausted from all of this...Really, really  emotionally spent. I just want it to be over. I know it is not a viable pregnancy...  Yesterday would have been 22 dpo ( if you do not count my bleeding as AF/ a new cycle) and my number was only 37- Even if a ectopic was not a concern, that would NOT be a good set of numbers. Not at all. Then couple it with non existent progesterone numbers, ( My level was 0.98-  less than one on yesterday's draw) and my elevated risk of ectopic from tubal reversal surgery, and the fact that I just had a ectopic in June...Yea, it does not make for very hopeful results...And at this point I just want to move on! I want to figure out why this keeps happening  and if we even have a chance or a reason to keep trying....