Purpose Driven Motherhood

I called in today, to let the office know I had started a new cycle. I wanted to wait another day or so, just to be sure the bleeding stayed consistent with a regular AF before I called in. Anyway, I called in and let them know, and that I had been speaking with the RE via the portal, in messages, and he suggested a HSG to check my tubes again after the recent  ectopics. So, they took some info and sent me over the scheduling, and I booked my date- and they sent in a RX for my 3 days antibiotic course to start the day before the procedure. I will go  in next wed, October 3rd, at 11 am. It worked out perfect, as my DH had the day off and can even drive me down and take me if I want him to. I will probably go on my own through, as I have already had this done before, and it was not nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. In fact it was a similar to the pain you feel with a pap, mixed with a little AF cramps. Nothing severe at all. This test will be able to tell us what the integ

 I got a call from Braverman's office today...They ARE "in network" and it will only be a 50 buck copay to have a visit!! yay! I am still waiting to hear back about the lab they use for the testing, reprosourse, and if  they are also in net work. The lady I spoke to today, said she was almost positive, but wanted to re check and confirm...I hope to get confirmation tomorrow... This is a HUGE step for me...I really never wanted to have to go down this road, but it seems like it it the last resort, and the DR seems confident he can diagnose me. The biggest challenge will  be getting some of the med's covered and possibly some of the testes. But I am praying it is minimal out of pocket....I really want to get some answers... I do also have some good news regarding my regular RE's plan to treat me should Braverman not work out for whatever reason. (ie. insurance not covering the IVIg infusions which are 3000 a pop, and need to be done every few weeks). My RE said

 So,  while browsing the net, looking for some info on supplements  and  diet changes to implement  for  when we decide to TTC again,  and I found a post on a paleo site, about the diet and auto immune issues, unintentionally.... It had a few other tag posts on the side, that were similar in content, and I saw a condition that I have struggled with for years, that another person had been also dealing with, and they noticed changes when they did the paleo diet, and restricted nightshade foods. I was intrigued with this new information, because this was contrary to what I had been told before, that the condition I struggle with was due to bacteria/over active hair follicles, and I was always on antibiotics in the past, but they never worked...So I began to research this condition in relation to auto immune disorders, and it turns out it is starting to seem that is IS indeed immune related. I am not going to go into detail about said condition I was looking into- as it is pretty embarras

‎ 1 Peter 1:6. "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." As Jesus is revealed in you, you can rejoice no matter what. The display of his glory often comes through your wounds. Your dark nights showcase by contrast his splendid dawns, your griefs contrast with his glorious joy. In brokenness, God works in you something beautiful, deep, and substantial to offer others. You are developing inner strength as you are being blessed, broken, and given as an offering in your trials. True strength comes from your desperate need of God. You are a joy to him as you offer your true self as a spectacle of his sufficiency. Paul said he wanted to know Christ and be conformed to the fellowship of sharing his sufferings, knowing there's a resurrection coming (Phil. 3:10).

It started out like any other Sunday... I got up at 7am, got myself showered and ready to go for church, so I could get there for worship practice before service. I got there at 9 am, got myself sorted, and got to practicing our songs for the morning. Service started, and went seamless...It was an amazing morning, filled with so much healing, and freedom for those in the body...Everyone got prayer, and a touch from God...It was beautiful...I felt like I was on this supernatural high.... Service ended, and hubby left to take Kate home for a nap, and I kept the 3 older kids with me, so they could play, and I could chat over coffee with everyone. Had some great conversations and laughed a LOT. Finally, I decided to head home. Packed the kids up and on we went... The afternoon was beautiful...Crisp, cool breeze, and the sun shimmering on the leaves of the tree that are just now starting to change over to their autumn hues...I was driving home, just soaking in the beauty and thinking

I was expecting this cycle to bee pretty funky due to the ectopic, and lingering HCG. I assumed I would not O at all, or at the very least, have a very delayed O date. Not once did I expect to ovulate the day after my HCG reached neg. So, on CD 9, I  ran out of HPT's and began to use OPK's to see if I could see the decline in HCG with those, since they can detect LH and HCG in higher amounts. The OPK on CD 11 was still very much positive ( line darker than the control line) , and I assumed we had some time left before I was going to be at baseline for HCG levels. ( beta was 47 the day before CD 9) The next day, my OPK was still positive, but a bit lighter...I stopped testing, and decided to wait for the next beta. So CD 14 comes along, and I go for my beta, and while I am waiting for a call back, I decided to OPK again, and it was still VERY much positive, even a little darker than on CD 9and 10. I thought for a while, that my levels were still increasing and I might need

So, I know I said I was going to lose weight, and get back on my diet, and start exercising....And when I said that, I really meant it...I still do...But, it has been harder than I imagined to get motivated enough to stick with it....Or even get started for that matter.... I cannot seem to muster the strength to get dressed and leave the house, let alone, diet, exercise, and do a cleanse, and start my herbs...I know I should just DO IT...But I can't.... See, part of me feels like, If I do all these things, I have a better chance at a take home baby...But, Then the other side of me feels like, if I do all these things, and it does not make a difference, and we continue to have loss after loss, then I will have come up with yet, another "plan" and it will have failed yet again...I don't know If I can deal with that... To top it off- I feel like I am slinking into depression mode...Where I just don't want to do anything but sleep, eat and watch TV/play on the

I got the call this morning, my HCG is neg finally, and now I just wait for a new cycle to start. After AF, I will go in for a second HSG ( had one in July 2011) To take a look at my tubes, and see what is going on in there. I hope and PRAY they are both open and clear, and the ectopics did not damage anything and we are in the clear to TTC again. We wont be using any meds, except for Lovenox in the TWW- and Progesterone after a BFP. I am done taking all that JUNK. I will be doing some of the natural/herbal things I talked about in a previous entry, and hoping for the best. I was told to wait 1 to 2 cycles after the metho shot before we TTC again, so for now, we will use the dreaded condoms, and grin and bare it till we are in the clear again. I am glad to be on the other side of this ectopic, and looking forward to trying for a fall 2013 baby...

To write......  A BOOK!   I have thought about it for a LONG time now, and have even had a few other people mention to me, that I should write a book about my experience with recurrent pregnancy loss. One of those people happens to be a good friend of mine, who is also a publisher.... At first, I thought, "how silly". I am NOT a professional writer, and I just could not imagine being able to produce something worth reading  in regards to this journey. I feel like I mostly just whine and complain about things on this blog.....Who want to read that!? But then I thought of all the things I have experienced, and the things I have learned about my body and inner self and the medical community.....Then I started thinking about it...I would LOVE to find a book that covers  the tremendous emotional, physical and spiritual strife that comes along with with the territory of RPL. It is such a misunderstood condition by both the patient and  the medical community alike.   I also s

So I decided to give myself some goals and things to focus on while I recover from this last loss/ectopic. I will have to wait at least 3 months before we can try again, and let the effects of the methotrexate leave my body, and build up my folic acid levels again.  My plan: I am going to go back to my sugar/gluten free/semi paleo diet. I am going to cut out all caffeine (slowly over the next month) And, also starting working out 5 times a week or more. I plan to use a workout series such as Insanity or P90x. My goal is to lose 30- 50 lbs in the next 6 months. I also plan to start taking my old holistic remedies, like maca, red raspberry leaf and red clover, as  a fertility tonic. I plan to add in doing my castor oil packs, 5x a week consecutively, with two days rest. I also decided to really give taking serrapeptase a try. For those who do not know what serrapeptase is, I will give you a little run down on this nifty little enzyme. Discovered in the early 1970’s, this proteolytic enzy

I am leaving in a few minutes to head down to the RE office for my Methotrexate Injection. I am so crushed. Not only because this pregnancy did not work out, but because I have to sit out even longer now due to the side effects of the methotrexate... It really is HELL. For those who are unfamiliar with methotrexate, and what it does and it's side effects- here is a little info- Methotrexate is typically given by injection. Two injection sites are sometimes used to administer one dose. This method increases absorption of all of the medicine. How It Works Methotrexate stops the growth of rapidly dividing cells, such as  embryonic ,  fetal , and early  placenta  cells. Methotrexate  treatment can be given as a single shot or as several injections. If an ectopic pregnancy continues after 2 or 3 doses of methotrexate, surgical treatment is needed to remove the ectopic  pregnancy . During the week that you have methotrexate injections, your pregnancy hormone levels

Ectopic. Yup...Freaking great.... Went for my beta this morning, early at like 7 am, so I could have results earlier. Anyway. HCG went up from 37 (sunday's results) to only 47- for today. Progesterone was still super low at 0.75 They called me and set me up for a appt tomorrow morning to have a round of methotrexate administered. That means....12  weeks off from TTC again, and maybe even longer, depending on when  or if they go in laproscopically to get a better look at why I had back to back ectopics... =( I am having a hard time digesting this all, even though I knew it was ectopic days ago...It still kills me to have it confirmed and have to go through metho HELL again. I cannot believe this is happening! WHY, WHY, WHY??! sorry if my posts spew of negativity over the next couple of weeks...I am having a hard time finding some optimism after all of this...

RE office called, they want me to go for one more beta tomorrow. Just to see where the numbers are. Then we will make a game plan. I am so exhausted from all of this...Really, really  emotionally spent. I just want it to be over. I know it is not a viable pregnancy...  Yesterday would have been 22 dpo ( if you do not count my bleeding as AF/ a new cycle) and my number was only 37- Even if a ectopic was not a concern, that would NOT be a good set of numbers. Not at all. Then couple it with non existent progesterone numbers, ( My level was 0.98-  less than one on yesterday's draw) and my elevated risk of ectopic from tubal reversal surgery, and the fact that I just had a ectopic in June...Yea, it does not make for very hopeful results...And at this point I just want to move on! I want to figure out why this keeps happening  and if we even have a chance or a reason to keep trying....

I went for a second beta yesterday afternoon to figure out what is going on, and have been waiting all morning for results. I periodically check the portal too, since they update it with all lab and test results. So I checked and there they were... Beta: 37 Progesterone: 0.98 They still have not called me yet to give me a plan of action, I am assuming they are talking to the RE and other DR's to get a game plan and review my file etc...I am not sure what to expect...I am just totally wiped out emotionally. I will update when I know what we are going to do,

My tests are getting darker...Which is BAD!! Here are some tests- The top one is from two days ago- The middle two are from yesterday- Bottom is from Just a few mins ago- pic taken at 5 mins past dip. The test is even darker now that it has sat...This is NOT good at all.... I finally stopped bleeding so bad today. But the darkening tests are worrisome. This happened with the ectopic  last time too...I Just cannot, cannot, cannot get another methotrexate shot!!!!! I will cry!!! I know There is a chance that this non viable pregnancy can turn around,  and drop like a rock before next week, and set my levels back to baseline, but I have this nagging feeling it is going to need intervention...Again... =( If any of you are prayer people, please send some prayers my way that this resolves on it's own... Thanks so much...I am trying to keep my brave face on, but I am worried, and feeling really heart broken right now...

I am Tired. Really tired. Tired of TTC, and meds, and scheduled sex. I am tired of hoping, only to be let down. I Am bummed and feeling a bit blue too...A Good friend of mine, just announced the gender of her 3rd baby- ( I am of course over the moon excited for her as we were TTC together and she has suffered a couple m/c's too-) And as happy as I was, I was so sad inside still...I was due with my Feb baby the same day she was. I "should" be finding out the gender too!- I should be 30+ weeks with a Nov Baby too- and so on and so forth...It just seems to unfair. Now here I sit, in the throws of yet another loss...Trying to put on my brave face and keep the hope alive and spark there to keep TTC. But, it is getting hard, so utterly hard. I don't know how much more I can take...This seems almost like a nightmare. Like some freakish thing you only read about in books and see on lifetime movies.  I am ready for my happily ever after.... To top it all off- My tests hav

I went in for my CD3 labs work today. They tagged on a HCG and progesterone draw as well. I got a call back about 45 mins ago with my HCG results. They don't have the rest back ( I only went to the lab 2 and a half hours ago- they had to send the rest of the blood samples to the main hospital for testing). But should by the end of the day or tomorrow. I can access the portal and look for it later too. Anyway... My HCG was 9 this morning. At this point we do not know what my numbers are doing- So I go for a repeat on Sunday- With results Monday. My tests even seem a smidge darker...( not tweaked) Here are my First morning, second morning and 4th morning urine tests, to correspond with my beta. Although this lab seems to run a few numbers under other machines. I once had a beta done at this lab, and then one done a hour later at a different one, and the other lab was a few points higher than the one I go to now...So, maybe it could be like 14?  Maybe. But regardless...Here are t

I read THIS ARTICLE  today- And it got me thinking... I am one of those "super fertile" I suppose, since I get pregnant so easily....But lose them often. Granted I have had one loss where we know nothing was wrong ( my 19 week loss) but none of the others have been tested. I think this thought process may actually hold true in my case- Maybe all the extra supplements and craziness is making my body too receptive and there fore I am just getting preg and m/c' the fertilized eggs that normally would not stick and result in a BFN cycle....But Instead, mine implant just long enough to trigger the early pregnancy tests for a few days and screw up my cycle and, raise false hope....who knows, maybe this holds true with the other losses that progressed further as well ( the ones that made it to close to 6 weeks) Though, they looked really good in testes and such, my body rejected it after so many days usually around some kind of flare up which makes me think immune related...B

The witch is here...I guess that is that. I am still testing + though. So I will be asking for a HCG draw along with my regular CD3 labs just to be sure we are not dealing with another ectopic. I am not sure what, if anything I will do for this cycle, or when I will even O....I am just kind of in a funk today...I will make decisions tomorrow- Today, I am sad, and feeling too run down. Thanks for all the prayers  everyone...

Tests are not progressing- wondfo's are still light- and Answer early was positive, but barely, as in I had to tilt it and squint to see the line...Not Good considering I had a + a couple days ago, and I am 14 dpo. I am leaning towards stopping my progesterone and letting go of this cycle. There is no way this is viable...I am just praying it is NOT another ectopic like the one June....Strangely enough I feel ok about it all...Indifferent really. That of course, could change in the blink of an eye... Like I always say- We will see what tomorrow brings. ************************************************************************ Edited to add a pic from this afternoon of one of my strips- Just after I pulled up the page to edit and to insert the pic- I went to the bathroom to find bright red spotting...Now I am cramping super bad- Pretty sure the hag will be here to make me miserable tomorrow... =( I just pray this is not ectopic and my HCG does not keep rising so I wont

Tests are still +- But still very faint. They are darker than previous days, but still light enough to give me a bit of worry. I know I cannot really determine doubling till I get betas- But from past experience, the wondfo's should really be darker by now. More waiting...More hoping and praying...One day at a time...

So, maybe I was wrong... LOL Those tests are from 11dpo evening-( the wondfo's were not smudgy when they were wet) . But, now,  My Camera battery is low and my SD card is stuck in my laptop slot- working on getting that out...LOL... Today is 13 dpo- and I don't have any more cassettes- but have been testing with the strips- and they are darker- and more clearly defined etc..so things are progressing a little anyway. I will use my answer early result tomorrow- And if it is still progressing,  I will start with betas on Monday...So we will see- I wish I could say I felt good about this one...I don't but I am not sure i ever will after enduring this many losses...Anyway...Today I am pregnant...